Thursday, February 1, 2018

The Once Possible & Now Impossible Task

If he could have painted her commitment on a see-through canvas, when she was willing to give it all, he would have seen the brightness in the colors of her heart. Her world was actually colorful back then. He would have been able to capture her hands mirroring each other as she begged and pleaded, "please don't hurt me again." And the only time he would have seen her hands separate would have been when she believed his promises and she held out her left hand to reach for them, but they were never to be. The other hand reached out to knock on his door; that door that he kept double-locked for such a long time, with no door knob, so that no one would try to open it; "not even me" she'd whisper.

"Not even me?" as if there was something special about her for whom he would have made an exception.

Oh, how tired she grew of keeping her hands out like that, for empty promises and for an invisible door knob. She never thought that emptiness could be so heavy and invisibility so blinding.

Who would have known that asking to be loved right could feel so miserable? Maybe it was because she never thought that such a question should be asked when one truly loves another. But she did anyway. "How humiliating!" she'd think. But her commitment was such, that she would put aside even her stubborn pride.

She was so exhausted. And right when she couldn't keep her hands out anymore; right when her shoulders had no more space to be loaded with more pain; right when her hands waned from the soreness of waiting for such a long time...that's when he decided to reach out.

Let us not forget her door that would have been painted on the corner of that canvas. Ah! Yes, the door! Or would he even have to have painted a door if it was wide open? That door that she had kept, not just double-locked, but under surveillance and with an alarm system. Yet, there it was: wide open for him. Paint away! She handed him keys and security codes. He never stopped to think how much trust that required. He never had to use the key or codes; she kept the door wide open for him for a very long time. One must not be surprised of how heavy a door can become when you hold it open for such a long time. She didn't have the strength to keep it open anymore, so that door is now closed. Keys and security codes have been changed. Now he wishes it would at least crack open, but now, it's too late.

He has now cracked open his own door and thinks that this will make it all well.

Do you, my dear reader, get to where I'm going?

Very, very light things--very, very simple things...they can become so heavy...complicated...if taken for granted; a burden and painful even. You combine that with the betrayal of abandonment, grieving silence, broken promises, an excruciating speech, and you'll have yourself a very fragile and shattered glass.

And if he tries to paint her commitment now, all he would be able to paint is a black and white portrait of exhausted hands, a closed door, and a very large glass, completely crumbled. And if, for whatever crazy reason, she agreed to help him put together that glass and they succeeded...this shattered glass would have become pieces again, with something as lightweight as a "not even me" whisper. And he decides to blow on it with a very detailed love story; that's a lot of words to blow on a shattered glass that someone said to be trying to keep pieced together.

And if they both decide to try to put together that fragile, several-times shattered glass, which is now a countless of glass crumbs... Well, that, my dear reader, is an impossible task.

She reached out with both hands and opened the door all the way for a very long time. Now he wants to reach out with one hand and crack his door open. And as she closes her door and as she sits across from him with her arms crossed, he continues to reach with one hand.

Dear reader, can you see from her point of view now?

Oh, dear love...not only is this offering a bit shortened, but the timing is also a bit too late.

It is now just an impossible task.

I'm sorry.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Never Easy

A piece of me was detached a few days ago; though it feels like it's been years. It might have been my entire heart, or a layer of it, maybe half, or most. My chest feels hollow, so I can't tell.

I can feel my hands though. They are glossy and silky. It's a constant reminder of how I slipped away...how I disappeared in the most ghostly frames of slow motions that anyone has ever experienced. Maybe that's why you didn't realize how quickly it actually happened.

I contemplated traveling back in time. 
I then contemplated traveling to the future. 
I constructed several different shapes and colors of the present, in different places and different phases. 
I changed faces and locations, galaxies and phrases.
I could not figure out how I could make this easy. 

There is just no way, no place, no time in where this is easy.

Every single time I turn my head to look back at what could have been, it's never easy to turn back and look at how broken actuality is.

Every single time I see your face, as I mesmerize it and get hypnotized by its charm, it is never easy to realize how far away I have to stand to contemplate it.

Every single time I read the words you so thoughtfully constructed to find your way back to me, it's never easy to think of how many words you closed away in secrets, and by doing so pushed me away.

Every single time I heard your voice melodically claiming promises of "I-won't-do-it-agains," I found it never easy to be exposed to your motion pictures of happiness, distorted through my very tears as another "again" was yet once more.

So I traveled back in time.
I found you.
I fell in love with you.
And it still hurt when you pushed me away without a word.

So I traveled to the future.
I found you.
I fell in love with you.
And it still hurt to be left in the dark in piles of secrets of the unknown.

So I constructed a different shape and color of the present.
I found you.
I fell in love with you.
And it still hurt as you let me slip away by gifting me a painful speech.

I know now that there is just no way, no place, no time in where this is easy.

That no matter where I go, what time I go to, which universe I teleport to...
It will always hurt to be without you.

I know now that there is just no way, no place, no time in where this will be easy.

This, the burden and agony of your absence.

This, the unruly ardor of missing you with such devotion.

This, the rebellious diving of my mind as it constantly travels only to you.

And so pain will do its hurting as I learn to numb this away...

...because learning to live like this will never be painless, it will never come natural, and it will never be easy.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

March 2017

146 pages.

Favorite quotes:

"Ah, but it's cruel not to say it. They that know have grown afraid to speak. That is why sorrows that used to purify now only fester" -Page 106

"Ye are only dreaming. And if ye come to tell of what ye have seen, make it plain that it was but a dream. See ye make it very plain. Give no poor fool the pretext to think ye are claiming knowledge of what no mortal knows." -Page 144

While this is clearly fictional, it gives the reader an extraordinary perspective on the many ways that humanity believes to be "good" or "right" enough to deserve heaven. And how others want to hold on to their anger and pain more than anything.It allows the reader to see how much we actually reject/fail God daily, with our choices and actions.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Girl In The Arena by Lisa Haines


DECEMBER 2016

336 Pages.

Favorite quotes:

Still pending.

I liked the idea of the story of a modern female gladiator. I enjoyed the edgy side of the protagonist, and I like the "sci-fi" they added with the whole machine that makes her dead fathers look like they are really alive. However, I am kind of a grammar prick. I could not get passed the incorrect conversational grammar. I do admit, this is more of a personal thing, which may have no effect on the actual story; which was actually a fun concept to read in modern times, instead of the usual Colosseum/Roman settings.

Her Daughters Dream by Francine Rivers


DECEMBER 2016


592 Pages.

Favorite quotes:

"God loved her, even if no one else could." - Page 132

"Life without him was as colorless as the apartment." -Page 400

"They curled together like two spoons in a drawer." - Page 408

This book does great justice for so many torn relationships, not just in the book, but in real life. It's amazing how most of us will never care to find out the true story behind the pain someone may have caused us. It gives us all a great lesson on understanding and forgiveness.