Monday, October 16, 2017

Never Easy

A piece of me was detached a few days ago; though it feels like it's been years. It might have been my entire heart, or a layer of it, maybe half, or most. My chest feels hollow, so I can't tell.

I can feel my hands though. They are glossy and silky. It's a constant reminder of how I slipped away...how I disappeared in the most ghostly frames of slow motions that anyone has ever experienced. Maybe that's why you didn't realize how quickly it actually happened.

I contemplated traveling back in time. 
I then contemplated traveling to the future. 
I constructed several different shapes and colors of the present, in different places and different phases. 
I changed faces and locations, galaxies and phrases.
I could not figure out how I could make this easy. 

There is just no way, no place, no time in where this is easy.

Every single time I turn my head to look back at what could have been, it's never easy to turn back and look at how broken actuality is.

Every single time I see your face, as I mesmerize it and get hypnotized by its charm, it is never easy to realize how far away I have to stand to contemplate it.

Every single time I read the words you so thoughtfully constructed to find your way back to me, it's never easy to think of how many words you closed away in secrets, and by doing so pushed me away.

Every single time I heard your voice melodically claiming promises of "I-won't-do-it-agains," I found it never easy to be exposed to your motion pictures of happiness, distorted through my very tears as another "again" was yet once more.

So I traveled back in time.
I found you.
I fell in love with you.
And it still hurt when you pushed me away without a word.

So I traveled to the future.
I found you.
I fell in love with you.
And it still hurt to be left in the dark in piles of secrets of the unknown.

So I constructed a different shape and color of the present.
I found you.
I fell in love with you.
And it still hurt as you let me slip away by gifting me a painful speech.

I know now that there is just no way, no place, no time in where this is easy.

That no matter where I go, what time I go to, which universe I teleport to...
It will always hurt to be without you.

I know now that there is just no way, no place, no time in where this will be easy.

This, the burden and agony of your absence.

This, the unruly ardor of missing you with such devotion.

This, the rebellious diving of my mind as it constantly travels only to you.

And so pain will do its hurting as I learn to numb this away...

...because learning to live like this will never be painless, it will never come natural, and it will never be easy.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

March 2017

146 pages.

Favorite quotes:

"Ah, but it's cruel not to say it. They that know have grown afraid to speak. That is why sorrows that used to purify now only fester" -Page 106

"Ye are only dreaming. And if ye come to tell of what ye have seen, make it plain that it was but a dream. See ye make it very plain. Give no poor fool the pretext to think ye are claiming knowledge of what no mortal knows." -Page 144

While this is clearly fictional, it gives the reader an extraordinary perspective on the many ways that humanity believes to be "good" or "right" enough to deserve heaven. And how others want to hold on to their anger and pain more than anything.It allows the reader to see how much we actually reject/fail God daily, with our choices and actions.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Girl In The Arena by Lisa Haines


DECEMBER 2016

336 Pages.

Favorite quotes:

Still pending.

I liked the idea of the story of a modern female gladiator. I enjoyed the edgy side of the protagonist, and I like the "sci-fi" they added with the whole machine that makes her dead fathers look like they are really alive. However, I am kind of a grammar prick. I could not get passed the incorrect conversational grammar. I do admit, this is more of a personal thing, which may have no effect on the actual story; which was actually a fun concept to read in modern times, instead of the usual Colosseum/Roman settings.

Her Daughters Dream by Francine Rivers


DECEMBER 2016


592 Pages.

Favorite quotes:

"God loved her, even if no one else could." - Page 132

"Life without him was as colorless as the apartment." -Page 400

"They curled together like two spoons in a drawer." - Page 408

This book does great justice for so many torn relationships, not just in the book, but in real life. It's amazing how most of us will never care to find out the true story behind the pain someone may have caused us. It gives us all a great lesson on understanding and forgiveness.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Loving You With All My Pieces

It is a recondite concept that of one being whole.
Is one whole when you are one entire piece?
What if an entire piece shatters, but you still have all the pieces?
Is that, then, not whole anymore? Or whole, but in fragments?
What if it is in fragments awaiting to be sculpted together?

Will it be whole once sculpted? Or has it been whole as it is frozen still in bits and fractions?

I find that the answer doesn't matter at times.
Finding joyful fulfillment or dire dissatisfaction in the answer
It would make the difference that one drop of water would make in a desert.
It doesn't matter if my heart is whole or not.
I love you with all it's pieces, whether it is in one piece or one hundred of them.

Have you seen me love you?
Have you watched me fall in love with you?
I lost count how many times it has happened.
And every single instance of falling in love with you is astonishing.
It is like in-taking the sunset saying goodbye, as it tucks itself into an orange blanket of glistening rays.

Except you don't know how to say goodbye; you just disappear.
Did you have withdrawals of me when you left? Torturing reminisces?
Or did I become the ashes that filled an urn in the corner of your memories?
It was as if I became a mirage of gloominess, walking the shadowy streets.
Visible, but invisible; alive and undead at the same time.

Do you have any idea of the catastrophic wounds you so disastrously declared on my heart?

Loving you is the easiest thing I have never had to try to do.
It is effortless, a survival instinct; like breathing.
I've never had to try to breathe. It just is.
It's like opening my lids to wake up.
Or like putting a foot in front of the other to walk.

There is no experience more vibrant, more amazing, or more satisfying than loving you.
It's like walking into the art gallery of life
And your whole being inducing your mind to choose one painting to stop your heart.
And so The Mind blackmails The Heart saying it will let my heart beat again
But only if it chooses you.

So how do I let go without ripping out a part of me?

For years I thought that forever was a long time.
I couldn't fathom such a significant & life-changing commitment compressed in a few vows.
And now I am at the watchtower of this goodbye with an eagle eye's view.
Everything looks so small, delicate, fragile, brittle, but still tangibly in reach.
Forever is a long time for most, but for us it was too short.

So now, as I walk away to the shards of glass that were once my heart
I stare at it with betraying eyes, as I lie telling it "we will be okay."
However, the truth is that she will simply manage
Manage to piece her heart back together with lethargic emotions, numb senses, and aloof enjoyment.
Or maybe she will just leave it there, in scraps; useless residue in what is now a grey & cloudy world.

So I ask again the inconsequential question:

Since my heart is in bits and chunks, but all the pieces are there, is it still whole?

Regardless, it's still my heart. And I love you with every single one of its pieces.