Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Girl In The Arena by Lisa Haines


DECEMBER 2016

336 Pages.

Favorite quotes:

Still pending.

I liked the idea of the story of a modern female gladiator. I enjoyed the edgy side of the protagonist, and I like the "sci-fi" they added with the whole machine that makes her dead fathers look like they are really alive. However, I am kind of a grammar prick. I could not get passed the incorrect conversational grammar. I do admit, this is more of a personal thing, which may have no effect on the actual story; which was actually a fun concept to read in modern times, instead of the usual Colosseum/Roman settings.

Her Daughters Dream by Francine Rivers


DECEMBER 2016


592 Pages.

Favorite quotes:

"God loved her, even if no one else could." - Page 132

"Life without him was as colorless as the apartment." -Page 400

"They curled together like two spoons in a drawer." - Page 408

This book does great justice for so many torn relationships, not just in the book, but in real life. It's amazing how most of us will never care to find out the true story behind the pain someone may have caused us. It gives us all a great lesson on understanding and forgiveness.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Loving You With All My Pieces

It is a recondite concept that of one being whole.
Is one whole when you are one entire piece?
What if an entire piece shatters, but you still have all the pieces?
Is that, then, not whole anymore? Or whole, but in fragments?
What if it is in fragments awaiting to be sculpted together?

Will it be whole once sculpted? Or has it been whole as it is frozen still in bits and fractions?

I find that the answer doesn't matter at times.
Finding joyful fulfillment or dire dissatisfaction in the answer
It would make the difference that one drop of water would make in a desert.
It doesn't matter if my heart is whole or not.
I love you with all it's pieces, whether it is in one piece or one hundred of them.

Have you seen me love you?
Have you watched me fall in love with you?
I lost count how many times it has happened.
And every single instance of falling in love with you is astonishing.
It is like in-taking the sunset saying goodbye, as it tucks itself into an orange blanket of glistening rays.

Except you don't know how to say goodbye; you just disappear.
Did you have withdrawals of me when you left? Torturing reminisces?
Or did I become the ashes that filled an urn in the corner of your memories?
It was as if I became a mirage of gloominess, walking the shadowy streets.
Visible, but invisible; alive and undead at the same time.

Do you have any idea of the catastrophic wounds you so disastrously declared on my heart?

Loving you is the easiest thing I have never had to try to do.
It is effortless, a survival instinct; like breathing.
I've never had to try to breathe. It just is.
It's like opening my lids to wake up.
Or like putting a foot in front of the other to walk.

There is no experience more vibrant, more amazing, or more satisfying than loving you.
It's like walking into the art gallery of life
And your whole being inducing your mind to choose one painting to stop your heart.
And so The Mind blackmails The Heart saying it will let my heart beat again
But only if it chooses you.

So how do I let go without ripping out a part of me?

For years I thought that forever was a long time.
I couldn't fathom such a significant & life-changing commitment compressed in a few vows.
And now I am at the watchtower of this goodbye with an eagle eye's view.
Everything looks so small, delicate, fragile, brittle, but still tangibly in reach.
Forever is a long time for most, but for us it was too short.

So now, as I walk away to the shards of glass that were once my heart
I stare at it with betraying eyes, as I lie telling it "we will be okay."
However, the truth is that she will simply manage
Manage to piece her heart back together with lethargic emotions, numb senses, and aloof enjoyment.
Or maybe she will just leave it there, in scraps; useless residue in what is now a grey & cloudy world.

So I ask again the inconsequential question:

Since my heart is in bits and chunks, but all the pieces are there, is it still whole?

Regardless, it's still my heart. And I love you with every single one of its pieces.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Knock, Knock, Knock (Who's there?)

A: Knock, knock, knock
B: Who's there?
A: It is he, looking for a whole heart.
B: I'm sorry to say, it is not me.

B: Knock, knock, knock
A: Who's there?
B: It is she, a broken heart.
A: I'm sorry to say, I did that.

He fell in love
With a whole heart:
Strong & adventurous
A heart with no fears.

But he changed it all.
He made it vulnerable
& fragile. Full of fear.
Dismantled it into particles.

He wants to keep loving a whole heart.
She tried to teach him to love a broken one.
She thought he could learn.
He said that he would.

But he kept slipping into the comfortability...
Of loving a whole heart.
Little did he know...
He was only juggling
All the broken pieces.

"I miss you" he said
With a knock, knock, knock.
But he missed the heart he fell in love with...
Whole and ready to conquer all.

Oh, how she wishes that he would want to love her broken heart...
After all, it was him who broke it.
But simple requests became complex
And her eagerness for time, a beggar's desire.

Pictures became stabs.
His public announcements of love morphed into the sting of a thousand bees.
Each word with its own formula of poison.
Every secretive silence
A forest's fire of fear, fiercely spreading.

How could she teach him to love a broken heart?
When all he wanted was to love a whole heart wholeheartedly?
Yet, the equation for it was so transparent and effortless...
Or so she thought.

She did not have what he wanted to love so comfortably.
That same comfortability with which he abandoned her heart; left her alone.
It is now, also the same comfortability with which he announces his happiness with another.

She did not have the whole heart that he so desperately wanted to love.

A: Knock, knock, knock
B: _________________

And so she left.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

2016

What a crazy year.

Half way through this year I already wanted it to be over.

In January I was so optimistic. I was happy to have a fresh start at many things. My husband and I, while a little nervous, we were excited to start trying to become parents.

February came along and it was a terrible month at work. For the VERY FIRST TIME I found myself crying over work.

Then, in March, I started realizing that people have a misconception of me way more off than I had originally thought, and I started worrying about it so much. I don’t know why, since I have always been able to dismiss people’s misjudgments.

April was full of feelings…yuck. One day was great, the other was a disaster. People whom I thought would stay in my life left with no explanation, people broke promises, etc. It was tough.

May, the month of my birthday…I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. I thought “things are finally starting to turn around.”

But then June came, and I lost our first baby. I mourned, shortly. As a matter of fact, I didn’t have much time to mourn, because quickly after…

In July, I became pregnant with our second baby. The excitement took over and I forgot about the pain that came with losing our first baby. My husband and I were excited. 

I made it through August.

On September 2, 2016…on my mother’s birthday…my husband and I went to the doctor for our second sonogram. Our baby’s heart had stopped. It was a pain of loss that I will never be able to accurately describe, as I stared at my baby on the screen, and watched him be lifeless. We were devastated, but I was more of a mess. I never got angry at God; as a matter of fact I had no choice but to trust Him more in these moments, because losing sight of the fact that His will is perfect would have certainly ended me. I was a bag of emotions and crying spells. I dealt with loss and anxiety, all at the same time. I felt so out of control and I was angry at myself about it, because I had always been in control of my emotions before then.

October I had to continue dealing with the physical aspect of a miscarriage. But even more difficult, the emotional breakdowns.

November I dealt with more loss and I found out my mom has cancer.

December, my best friend got into a car accident.

-----------

I have gone as far as to saying that I hate this year so much. Hands down, WORST YEAR EVER. I have cried this year more than I have cried all of my life. I used to go months, even years without crying. I can’t remember a single month that I didn’t cry this year. I felt so vulnerable and out of control. 

But this past week, as I contemplated life, I made it a point to think of things that I am thankful for this year. And to my surprise, there were so many…

January, I gained a wonderful friend. 
People don’t approach me, and therefore, muchless give me a chance to be their friends. People just make their own assumptions and make it a point to stay away. In Spanish we call that “Tengo cara de pocos amigos.” LOL. But she has been such a wonderful friend throughout this year, and so understanding of the times I needed space and solitude to deal with my losses. Thank you, Jessica Garcia for your friendship.

February, my Step-mom and I created the MOST AMAZING baby shower EVER for my sister. I’m really proud of how I pulled it off; my sister had no idea how many people who love her would be there. I managed to secretively invite her coworkers, best friend, friends, and in laws.

March 16, 2016 my beautiful nephew, Leo Jaykob was born. He is so wonderfully made, so gorgeous and full of laughter and smiles. I love him so much. He makes me smile when he’s around.

April, Dare 2 Share happened with my kids. I got to spend quality time with my girls and we became such a great team.

In May, on the month of my birthday I became a MOM! I let that thought sink in for a bit as I realized it, and thought…I may not have had my babies, but I experienced what it’s like to have life inside of me…to be a mom. Yes, for a very short period of time, but WOW! That’s an amazing blessing. Not many women have the privilege to have life inside of them, and I got to experience that twice this year.
June, I went on a missions trip for the very first time in my life. Oh, how close Guatemala has become to my heart. And Honduras was such an amazing experience. I ate 7 “baleadas.” I also went to New York with my kids and we became the G-Squad.

July, I went to Dominican Republic and had a blast. Here, I learned to like the beach a little more as I am SO NOT a beach person. I went to Kentucky with my kids and made great memories with them.

September, preparation for the new school year started at work. Such great people have been added to the GPS team! I’m so happy of where we are now.

October, people whom I thought stopped wanting to be in my life, went out of their way to show me they wanted to be in it.

December, sure Sally got into a car accident, but she’s alive. I still have this poop head in my life to make her life impossible forever. (*evil laugh*). 
The Christmas Danzathon was a success!

And lastly…through the pain I realized that a lot more people, than I thought, care about me. I’ve always thought to be such an unlikable person, which is still true, lol. I really am. But this year, unexpected people reached out to me and showed me kindness. I am grateful for all the people who at one point or another gave me a genuine hug, texted me, took me to dinner, or sent me a card. I was so surprised of so much kindness…I reconnected with old friendships when they found out what happened…and I can’t say enough how much I appreciate the people who did this.

To my GPS team who covered for me at work while I was dealing with it all...
Lisa Baker
Will Bostick
Lamont Trotter

To reconecting friends...
Angela Zeledon
Yari Carrasquillo
Febe Huezo
Vanessa Yanez
Thank you for reaching out to a person like me who is so hard to reach out to after disconnecting.

Claudia Solis & Aracely Ramirez...for your genuine hugs of comfort. I will never be able to express the difference you have made in my life this year.

To my husband, who at times clueless on how to help, still stood by my side through all of this. Truly, he is the only one who has experienced all of the downsides of this. Who dealt with my anger, frustration, and anxiety from two consecutive miscarriages. He put up with it all. I can't imagine being him this year.

To my family, who has had a HARD time seeing me like this, because I've never been this person--so vulnerable and out of control. Thank you for understanding the amount of space I have been needing. And also, thank you for letting me know I been missed (you guys don't say it, but always complain that I'm not there, lol).

To all the people I deeply love, who went out of their way to comfort me, to let me cry, to let me be in pain and be vulnerable.

Titi Perla, I can't put into words how much I love you for your advice through my miscarriages, and for your daily texts. I love you!

TO ALL who took the time to show me kindness.

This year may have been the toughest, but I have also experienced the most kindness.

Thank you to all who made it a point to join me in my tough moments.

And may 2017 be way better.